Away from Home.

Hey everyone, it’s been too long. And in these past few months, I realized that even though you guys know me, you still barely know me. So today, I will talk about myself because I am a very self obsessed girl. OK I’m just kidding. So here it starts. 3.14: The Journey.

I was born in a very conservative town to a very conservative family. However, I never realized how conservative my family truly was until just recently. Despite how my life has been portrayed on this blog, my life, to be honest, has always been equivalent to that of a princess. A huge privilege according to many but it got old real soon. Pampering extended over a long period of time sometimes gets a bit too.. suffocating.

Growing up, all I ever wanted to do was make my father proud. And my mother. And my family. But life doesn’t always like to see you take the easy route. I fell in love with a guy who belonged to the “enemy clan”. After that, my life turned upside down. Love can do that to you. Within a few months, I began questioning everything I believed in, slowly rebelling against my parents and family. It was all in vain. Because traditions don’t change and no matter what I did, I was and will always be bound by familial elitism.

Anyway, I’m on vacation now and on my way to The U.S.. I’m hoping to write about the things there that inspire me and make me awestruck. Hope you enjoy this change in writing and that it’ll be a fresh change in our journey together.

-3.14

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MY Captain America.

Today, one of my closest friends told me that my blog is too sad. And I know for a fact that he is right. So for today, here’s a happy post about my best friend. He loves Captain America, so from now on, I’ll be calling him Captain America.

I met Captain America when I was in 11th grade. Honestly speaking, I felt that he was really weird and I wasn’t wrong. Sometimes, in life, you come across people who are always smiling, always seem to be happy, wishing everyone a good day as they go about their life trying to make others happy. That describes my Captain America. There is no one else like him. I don’t remember exactly how we went from being just classmates to best friends but I’m glad that it happened because he has been a friend who has always been by my side.

He is someone who amuses me with his absolute geekiness. His love for superheroes is endless and so is his kind and caring nature. If you met him personally, you’d wonder how an amazing person like him still exists in this cruel, messed up world. But he does. He is the kind of friend you hear about in novels and movies. The kind that loves you no matter what. Who protects you, cares for you, supports you through everything and always somehow manages to make you smile.

I know that this post may seem like a post meant to please my Captain America. I’ll be honest, it is. Because he deserves it. He is one of the strongest supports in my life and I believe that letting him know how much he means to me is the least I could do for him.

So My Captain America, If you’re reading this (and I know you will), just know that I love you very very much. You’re one of the best things that happened to me and I’m glad that you didn’t give up on me. I’m glad you don’t mind that you don’t find me too annoying. And although we’re completely different people, somehow we just manage to fit and make it through the stickiest of situations. You make me smile and laugh and give me hope. Thank you for everything. I love you very, very much!

And for all you people out there, if you have a friend like my Captain America, let them know how much they mean to you. And keep smiling because if there’s one thing I learned from my Captain America, it’s that one smile can change someone’s whole day and maybe even their life!

-3.14

Sweeten Your Life.

Lying on your bed, staring at the ceiling.

We’ve all done this. Sometimes almost everyday. We live our life, contemplating our life. We worry. We worry. We worry. Not once giving a thought to the beautiful day awaiting us.

We immerse ourselves in our works and our dreams, trying so hard to make everything fit. We break and we fix ourselves back again, just that we conform. So where along the way, did this happen?

I remember the days I would be happy when I got a balloon. And then almost suddenly, things changed. I wanted more than a balloon. And that’s when my happiness turned sour.

I realized that I need to be happy with what I have. That I need to be happy with the present no matter what it brings because I am running out of time and life’s too short to waste it on things that restrain me.

I need to learn, learn how to be happy again. How to be happy with the small things. How to value the things that are seemingly ordinary but are somehow everything that has to be cherished. I need to learn to smile, and laugh and just live because I’ve suffered enough and cried enough.

We all get so lost in our daily routines and worries that we don’t realize the passing of time. We suffer, dragging ourselves through the days, months and years, eventually realizing that we’re running out of valuable moments. It’s time we begin to make most of the little time we have, make memories and smile some more because in the end, it’s not the money or the promotions that matter but the little moments that make life sweeter.

-3.14

Thoughts.

“No. Please stop.”
Please, please stop. We can never go back from this.

“I love you, a lot. But you know I can’t let this continue. This needs to stop”.
Please do not question my love for you. I really love you but how can I let you smear my dignity in the name of love?

“I can’t do this anymore. Please don’t ever come back. Don’t ever talk to me again”.
I can’t watch you leave but I can’t let you stay. You’ve left me no choice. If only you had asked for something else. If only your desires were pure.

“I am in pain. I’m hurting. Help me, please. Don’t ignore me. I’m sorry I didn’t give you what you wanted”.
I cut too deep. I can’t bear losing you. What do I do. I can’t give you what you want but losing you is hurting more. Please , I beg you, don’t shut me out .

“I thought you loved me.”
Somehow, amidst all my pain and misery, I failed to see how all you ever wanted to do, was ruin my life. I believed you loved me. Because I believed your lies.

To be continued

Footsteps In The Sand.

I walk along the shore,
Leaving my footsteps on the sand.
I walk with the burden of my past
And the hopes for my future.

The waves come and go,
Just like ups and downs in life.
They wash away my footsteps,
Like time healing my wounds.

The waves wash away my footsteps,
Erasing the evidence of my presence.
Like death shall take me
Freeing me from my burdens and pains.

The sun shines on my back,
Lighting up my way,
Driving away the darkness,
The waves washing away my pain.

A lighthouse ahead of me,
Guides me like a beacon,
Towards happiness;
Towards freedom from myself.

What my life is,
What my life shall always be,
Is like this vast, infinite horizon,
That unfolds in front of me.

And now I walk along the shore,
A soul lost in itself;
In search of an answer,
In search of myself.

-3.14

Freedom At Last.

Finally, after 19 years of my life, I experienced true freedom at last.

Today, I went for a movie all by myself. All alone. I know I sound like a loner but I’m not. Growing up in a conservative controlling family, I was never allowed to go out on my own. Never allowed to go for a movie alone because my parents were too afraid to let their princess out in the open. And back then, I didn’t mind all the attention I got. After all, having some company was better than no company. But I was wrong.

When I moved into my university dorm, and made new friends who were from different parts of the country and world, I realized that the freedom I always felt at home, was not complete freedom.  It was carefully controlled freedom. And slowly, I started desiring true freedom. I began rebelling against my parents and family. But traditions and norms can’t be forgotten easily. I was reminded of my duties as a daughter and niece. I was yelled at and insulted. I was asked to keep in mind that it’s still my parents who pay my college fee.

But does that give them a right to control me? Probably not.  But when you’ve been a caged bird for so long, it’s hard to convince yourself to fly out even if the cage door is open. And it was for me too. I tried begging my friends to accompany me for the movie but everyone was busy. Finally, I called Greek God, to whine to him and he asked me to go alone and that it’ll be fun.

And it truly was.

Never before did I enjoy a movie like I did today. Eating my nachos all by myself and sipping at my coke while I stared at the screen intently were wonderful,  new experiences. And I realised that, going for a movie alone was the most empowering thing I’d ever done. I admit that I was very anxious about the whole idea but in the end, it turned out to be a decision that I cherish and not regret.

So for all the people out there, take time out for yourself. Do what you love and have fun being yourself while doing it. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to take out some ME time. You deserve your love.

-3.14

Fear.

Fear runs deep.
Deep in our veins.
Implanted in our genes,
Forced into our lives.
Fear for your life.
Fear of death.
The lie we are forced to live,
For fear of society.
The tortures we’re forced to endure,
For fear of lost pride
The fear of breaking free.
The fear of being lost.
The fear of losing yourself in the abyss,
Holds us down in a tormenting whirlwind,
Whisking away at the last rays of hope,
As darkness slowly consumes us,
And our souls crumble to ash.

-3.14

Self-harm.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

I slashed my arm and watched as the blood slowly oozed out, forming tiny beads at first and then slowly turning into a trickle.

Two years have passed since I last cut myself. Trust me, it was hard. A lot of people have asked me,
“Why would you do that to yourself?”
“Why didn’t you stop?”

And every time, my answer would be the same.
I don’t know.
I tried.

For the longest time I cut myself because I felt I deserved it. I was punishing myself for all that happened in my life. And it helped with the pain. But I was young and naïve. Never did I imagine that even self-harm could get addictive. After all, it’s against human instinct right? Wrong. There came a time when I’d get back home and cut on a daily basis. It was like a drug that made me calmer, and numbed my pain. Oh so contradictory!

For close to 3 years, I was stuck in the cycle of self-harm. And stopping, was one of the hardest things I’ve done. Because for me, self-harm was never a harm. It had turned into a relief. A means to get rid of the pain or at least reduce it. But slowly, it turned into a crutch. When I was stressed, I’d cut. When I was sad, I’d cut. When was angry, I’d cut.

Cut. Cut. Cut.

But then one day, I stopped. And never did it again.

Even now, I get urges when I’m anxious or upset. But then, I think about my loved ones and realize that I don’t need to harm myself to feel calm and happy again. All I need to do is talk to someone.

So, for all you people out there who have cut in the past or still do, I understand you. I understand how hard it is to stop, but trust me, you need to. Because even though you may feel unloved, there will be at least one person who still loves you. And if you still can’t think of even one such person, then think of me.
I love you.
I care about you.
I need you to be alive, safe and happy.
I need you to try your hardest and smile and I promise that I’ll be with you through it all.

And for those who know loved ones or even strangers who self-harm, don’t ever ridicule them. EVER. They’re going through enough. Either try to help them, or keep quiet. But don’t try to put them down. And if you are genuinely concerned, try talking to them and show them you care.

Because your kindness, might save someone’s life. And there’s no greater deed than that.

-3.14

P.S. If anyone would like to talk to me, please feel free to email me at the3.14way@gmail.com
I’ll be happy to help 🙂

Light in the darkness.

Here’s a poem to describe the worst time of my life. It gives a glimpse of how things in life will eventually get better.

When life brought me sorrow,
Disappointment and despair,
It felt as if nothing could go right anymore;
But I was wrong.

My most desperate times,
Times I’ll never forget,
Had trapped me within them,
Grabbed me tight with their claws.

I was stuck within the darkness,
Of betrayal and broken relations,
I was in an endless dark tunnel,
The warmth of day, forgotten.

I could feel fear build in me,
Hopelessness too.
I was afraid I’d have to live this way forever,
With no joy within me.

Everywhere I looked,
Everyone I saw,
Seemed to want to break me to pieces,
Pieces which couldn’t be fixed.

But then suddenly,
Suddenly, out of the blue,
Came that one person who smiled,
And that person was you.

You were the light,
At the end of the tunnel.
The light which I hung on to,
The light I had yearned for years.

You were my warmth,
During the cold winter days.
You were my light,
The light that gave me back my life.

And now, I don’t see darkness,
No matter where I look.
I see only joys around me,
Only coz of you.

You cover me,not letting me see the sorrows,
 Not letting me experience them again.
You are the reason for the smile on my face,
The one I thought I had lost.

-3.14

The dark side of love.

Have you ever tried to give away yourself, your whole being, just so that someone would love you back? Have you ever been torn apart, bit by bit, piece by piece, by someone you love dearly and yet, you’d let it happen all over again, just so that you wouldn’t lose them?

Love. A beautiful emotion. But sometimes, it turns dark. Sometimes, the very love that was blissful, turns into a venom slowly poisoning you from within. It can make you justify the worst of sins and blind you. And honestly speaking, it is by far the most painful thing I experienced.

My past haunts me to this day. Unforgettable. Unforgivable. It lingers on in the back of my mind, slowly pulling me apart, laying me bare. What would you do, if your body remembers everything, clear as day, but your mind refuses to acknowledge? What would you do, if everything you do, everything you are, is dictated by the trauma that you went through?

Sometimes you save yourself. Sometimes the other. I saved the other and that caused me a lot of pain. It made me lose myself in a torrent of emotions difficult to describe and eventually it changed me, altered me for life.

Love is blind, and that is the truth. But sadly, it’s not always in a good way. Love can make you hurt yourself in the process of loving another. It can make you raw, vulnerable. It can make sense but not make sense at the same time. It’s a contradiction. It’s a confusion. It’s chaos.

But this same love, can also save you. And that is what makes life worth it.

-3.14