I slashed my arm and watched as the blood slowly oozed out, forming tiny beads at first and then slowly turning into a trickle.
Two years have passed since I last cut myself. Trust me, it was hard. A lot of people have asked me,
“Why would you do that to yourself?”
“Why didn’t you stop?”
And every time, my answer would be the same.
I don’t know.
For the longest time I cut myself because I felt I deserved it. I was punishing myself for all that happened in my life. And it helped with the pain. But I was young and naïve. Never did I imagine that even self-harm could get addictive. After all, it’s against human instinct right? Wrong. There came a time when I’d get back home and cut on a daily basis. It was like a drug that made me calmer, and numbed my pain. Oh so contradictory!
For close to 3 years, I was stuck in the cycle of self-harm. And stopping, was one of the hardest things I’ve done. Because for me, self-harm was never a harm. It had turned into a relief. A means to get rid of the pain or at least reduce it. But slowly, it turned into a crutch. When I was stressed, I’d cut. When I was sad, I’d cut. When was angry, I’d cut.
Cut. Cut. Cut.
But then one day, I stopped. And never did it again.
Even now, I get urges when I’m anxious or upset. But then, I think about my loved ones and realize that I don’t need to harm myself to feel calm and happy again. All I need to do is talk to someone.
So, for all you people out there who have cut in the past or still do, I understand you. I understand how hard it is to stop, but trust me, you need to. Because even though you may feel unloved, there will be at least one person who still loves you. And if you still can’t think of even one such person, then think of me.
I love you.
I care about you.
I need you to be alive, safe and happy.
I need you to try your hardest and smile and I promise that I’ll be with you through it all.
And for those who know loved ones or even strangers who self-harm, don’t ever ridicule them. EVER. They’re going through enough. Either try to help them, or keep quiet. But don’t try to put them down. And if you are genuinely concerned, try talking to them and show them you care.
Because your kindness, might save someone’s life. And there’s no greater deed than that.
P.S. If anyone would like to talk to me, please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I’ll be happy to help 🙂